Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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