those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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