my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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