look no pants
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You ruined the universe
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
