You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
