my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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