If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
