I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
