I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
