Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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