I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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