I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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