not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
