I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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