Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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