this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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