Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
