you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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