I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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