there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
