Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
