Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
