My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
