So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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