Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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