is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
