I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
