im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
