You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
