he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
