I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
