Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
don't judge my taste in strippers
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
