my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
