Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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