he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
