Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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