Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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