Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
