My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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