I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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