I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
