I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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