I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
