She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
two words...techno handjob
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
