how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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