Sry I called you an 8
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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