god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
