I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
