I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
