its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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