I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
high people should be assigned attendants
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
